Pure Gonzo Engineering

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Saint Jimmy: Redux

You may remember Saint Jimmy from a previous post. Well ladies and gentlemen, he once again proved how cool he was last night. I won't go into the specifics, but Jim is a stand up guy.

It once again proves to me that people who do a hard days work for an honest wage are far far better people than those who are white collar assholes.

Myself included, I was a much better person when I was cutting meat, or cutting chips at the tube.

Anyway, if you've checked the side bar and gone to the C League hockey standings you will find that we are in second place behind the dreaded Orange team by one point. We do, however, have a more high powered offense than they do with more goals for.

Tis the season to give me money.

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Monday, November 28, 2005

Symptoms of Depression

You feel miserable and sad.

You feel exhausted a lot of the time with no energy .

You feel as if even the smallest tasks are sometimes impossible.

You seldom enjoy the things that you used to enjoy-you may be off sex or food or may 'comfort eat' to excess.

You feel very anxious sometimes.

You don't want to see people or are scared to be left alone. Social activity may feel hard or impossible.

You find it difficult to think clearly.

You feel like a failure and/or feel guilty a lot of the time.

You feel a burden to others.

You sometimes feel that life isn't worth living.

You can see no future. There is a loss of hope. You feel all you've ever done is make mistakes and that's all that you ever will do.

You feel irritable or angry more than usual.

You feel you have no confidence.

You spend a lot of time thinking about what has gone wrong, what will go wrong or what is wrong about yourself as a person. You may also feel guilty sometimes about being critical of others (or even thinking critically about them).

You feel that life is unfair.

You have difficulty sleeping or wake up very early in the morning and can't sleep again. You seem to dream all night long and sometimes have disturbing dreams.

You feel that life has/is 'passing you by.'

You may have physical aches and pains which appear to have no physical cause, such as back pain.

Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain

Depression in Men

Although men are less likely to suffer from depression than women, 3 to 4 million men in the United States are affected by the illness. Men are less likely to admit to depression, and doctors are less likely to suspect it. The rate of suicide in men is four times that of women, though more women attempt it. In fact, after age 70, the rate of men's suicide rises, reaching a peak after age 85.

Depression can also affect the physical health in men differently from women. A new study shows that, although depression is associated with an increased risk of coronary heart disease in both men and women, only men suffer a high death rate.

Men's depression is often masked by alcohol or drugs, or by the socially acceptable habit of working excessively long hours. Depression typically shows up in men not as feeling hopeless and helpless, but as being irritable, angry, and discouraged; hence, depression may be difficult to recognize as such in men. Even if a man realizes that he is depressed, he may be less willing than a woman to seek help. Encouragement and support from concerned family members can make a difference. In the workplace, employee assistance professionals or worksite mental health programs can be of assistance in helping men understand and accept depression as a real illness that needs treatment.


Sunday, November 27, 2005

I'm thankful that monkey's exist.

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Me waiting to begin to cook.

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My dog waiting for some raw duck.

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My cat waiting for people to get out of his face.

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My dining room waiting for the feast.

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My prepared feast waiting to be eaten.

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My lovely wife.

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Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Wellbutrin-the low risk of sexual side effects anti-depressant!

So I went to my therapist yesterday and told him the Lexapro wasn’t working out for me so he suggested Wellbutrin, which is in an entirely different class of compounds and shouldn’t have the negative effects on my digestive tract that the Lexapro had.

I also chatted with him about how my family treats me. The fact that we offered to have Thanksgiving here and they declined even though we’re stuck here because my wife can’t travel now. The fact that they left my wedding reception way before it was even close to being over, even though they had multiple vehicles to get back to the hotel with and take my sleepy nephew back with. The fact that there is one picture of my wife amongst a host of pictures of my sisters and their families on the table in the dining room.

I’m the baby.

I’m the child.

My decisions are the wrong decisions.

My opinion doesn’t count.

I’m the black sheep.


Maslow says I have a need.

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Thursday, November 17, 2005

Snotty McSnoterton

The section continues its spiral into oblivion with the addition of Snotty McSnoterton. Being within earshot, all I hear every ten minutes or so is a nasally snort and a hacking throat clearing. I don’t know if this is a medical condition or what, but it should really be taken care of, or just blow the damn thing… I don’t know? It’s really fucking irritating though.

Ah what else… I’ve been taking 5mg of Lexapro, and my digestive track is still a bit iffy. Although it always has been so I don’t know if it’s the Lexapro or if it’s just me. I do feel mentally better though from taking it, not as edgy.

Did I ever mention that Peoria smells? Seriously, it smells like baby vomit mixed with yeast. It doesn’t smell like that at my house, but it does downtown and in East Peoria. The putrid smell comes from an ethanol plant that processes corn and refines it into ethanol. Whatever process they are using makes this awful smell. Luckily the air handling units in my building at work filter it out otherwise I wouldn’t be able to work here.

I was watching HBO a few days ago and came upon this comedy-singing duo by the name of Flight of the Conchords. Go to the link and listen to the songs. They are hilarious.

Money makes the smell better.

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Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Peoria Firefighters: Saving Lives or Just a Bunch of Assholes

On Sunday we had game two of the C League hockey season. Our opponents were a team consisting of the Peoria area firefighters. It was my understanding that submitting a roster wasn’t allowed for C league, but I guess Peoria public hockey is corrupt and if you know someone you can do whatever you want.

Anyway, the “red” team (Ha ha get it red team and they’re firefighters ha ha ha) comes out onto the ice and they’ve all got matching jerseys with numbers and their names on them. What the hell? This is C league hockey. My tax dollars better not have funded those jerseys. A few of our guys who aren’t all that great start to get a bit intimidated by how big an beefy some of them are. I tell them not to worry and to just play a good tight game.

So we get rolling, I’m starting at center, and a few seconds into the game I get punched in the chest by some jackass. The game goes on and these guys just keep getting dirtier and dirtier. Tripping, hooking, interfering, they do a little of everything. They end up getting four penalties in the game. Near the end, some guy is holding my stick while I’m in front of his net. I start to yank on it really hard and aggressive and the whistle blows because the puck is covered. I’m still yanking because I want my stick back. He calls me a “punk” and tells me this is C league hockey and I shouldn’t be thrashing around. I just stair him in the eyes and go get ready for the face off. I should have told him yeah, this is C league hockey why the fuck is your name on your jersey.

We end up winning 5-2. I didn’t have any goals or assists, but I was winning face offs like crazy. I’ve got it down now and have quick hands.


Friday, November 11, 2005

The business of childbirth

So my wife is about to give birth to our son in January and I’m also being forced to determine what healthcare coverage I’m going to take in ’06: High premium lower max out of pocket, or low premium higher max out of pocket. We’re also taking a Bradley Birthing class that stresses natural childbirth rather than knock ‘em out then drag it out.

The concept seems to make sense to me, other mammals don’t have excruciating labor like humans do. They still feel pain, yet they somehow know how to giver birth without extreme discomfort and without drugs. Why do humans need it? The answer: money.

I talked with a guy at work whose wife gave birth naturally and one who was induced with epidural. The cost difference: Natural = $7492 Drugged= $12,177. So if you were the hospital would you rather make 12 grand or 7.5 grand? Don’t tell me those few syringes of drugs cost an additional 4.5 grand. It’s a big scam.

My 14-year-old dog is having heart failure. He’s been coughing really badly in the morning so we took him into the vet and they X-rayed him. His heart is swelling which pushes on his lungs and esophagus making him feel like he has to cough. The vet gave him some meds to take that should decrease the swelling, but he only has 6 months to 2 years left in him. It’s too bad. I love that dog.

I’ve had three and four hour meetings every day this week at work. I have a hard time concentrating for an hour let along four. I really need to win the lottery so I never have to work again. That would be sweet.

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Monday, November 07, 2005

…only for those with true grit. And we were chocked full of that!

This weekend was the season opener for Peoria Adult C League hockey. I’m again on the blue team, but this year we have a different roster. Unlike last year, we do not have a goalie without depth perception that is deaf in one ear, nor do we have a 78-year-old man, nor do we have an insane 28-year-old man whom we affectionately called “Mad dog”. Instead, we have a nice team full of medium to lower medium skilled players.

The league is also full this year, which means we have 16 skaters. This is nice because now I don’t have to skate for 60 min a game, but it’s also bad because I only got about 15-20 min of ice time. The other sucky thing is that the guy I work with signed up too late and the league was already full. The good thing thought, is that Danny “Roast Beef” Bell also signed up too late and won’t be playing this year. That makes me really happy. I was sick of playing against that fat fuck. I guess he was too stupid to make it into any colleges and is still in the Peoria area, but I don’t have to see him!

Anyway, it was a good game. I ended up with 2 goals and 1 (Maybe 2, I can’t remember) assists. We ended up beating the black team 8-2. Even though we’d never played together, it seemed, due to our excellent passing, that we’d all been playing together for months. It should be a good season.

My stomach didn’t feel good up until yesterday, so maybe I had some sort of stomach bug and it isn’t all due to the Lexapro incident. I’m not really sure. I’m going to wait to talk to my therapist before I resume taking the Lexapro.

On Saturday I raked up 12 yard waste bags full of leaves and pine needles. It sucked. I cleaned out the gutters too. I think I’m finally ok with being up on the roof now. It’s got a pretty steep pitch to it, but I just told myself not to be such a pussy and get up there, that seemed to work.

And it turns out I was wrong. There was a theatre in Peoria playing “Jarhead”. We went and saw it on Sunday. It was really good. Ranks right up there with “Full Metal Jacket”.

Money should really grow on trees...


Thursday, November 03, 2005

This town is Fucked

No theatres in Peoria are going to be playing "Jarhead" this Friday.

What the fuck is wrong with these people?

A look into the lives and struggles of Marines that may have some negative war statements in it a la "Full Metal Jacket" can't be shown, but a movie about a sadistic serial killer who tortures his victims can have 2 theatres dedicated to it.

Peoria is a fucking cultural wasteland; anyone who thinks different needs to get out more.


Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Lexapro: Day 1

So I’m an idiot on top of being mentally unstable. I decided to take the Lexapro this morning before I ate anything. I don’t have a strong stomach to begin with, and after about an hour my stomach was doing flips. I ate an oatmeal pie in an effort to quell the storm, but I was too late. I wretched into the toilet and went to my wife’s doctors appointment. When I got there I started feeling queasy again and my lower intestines were complaining too. I had to duck out early, not before I heard his heart beat and found that my wife’s belly grew 6 cm! (Maybe he’ll be early after all). My stomach settled a bit as I drove home fervently. When I got inside though I ran upstairs and hunkered down and got rid of the rest of what was in my stomach. If I wasn’t defeated enough, it gave me a case of diarrhea as well.

I still felt miserable, but I dragged my ass to work. After lunch I felt a bit better with some food in my stomach. Needless to say I’m going to be waiting until this weekend after dinner to begin another try of my little friend Lexapro. If it gives me the same shitty reaction as today it’s going in the trash can and I’ll have to get better through good old-fashioned psychotherapy.

Help a poor throwing-up bastard out!

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Tuesday, November 01, 2005

…hit me like a bucket of water. First there was the shock of it--BAM, right in the face!

I kind of knew I wasn’t exactly squared off in the mind, but I didn’t really understand the extent of it until I went to the Psychiatrist today. First off he has a bitchin’ office that’s on the fifth floor of this nice office complex. It has a spectacular view of Downtown Peoria (If that’s actually possible).

He seems nice, and intelligent, and we start to chat about me. I tell him where I’m from, a bit about the members of my family, and a bit of my background. I tell him why I’m there, how I’ve been feeling lately. I also tell him about my fear of death, puking in the morning out of anxiety, and how socially awkward I am. We only talked for about 30 min, but in that time he thought I was nutty enough to deserve a prescription for 10mg of Lexapro.

Wow, 30 min and he thought I need an anti-anxiety and ant-depressant medication. I accepted it and I guess I’ll give it a try. Perhaps I’ve gotten so used to my craziness that it doesn’t seem that bad to me anymore, but to someone else it actually is.

I need money for Lexapro!


In Utero

This weekend I was able to throw away the shackles of Peoria, and head back to the verdant hills of Wisconsin. On the way there, my wife and I were at each other’s throats for one reason or another, and I finally snapped and yelled at her. She wasn’t happy about that, and I thought she wanted to divorce me at that very moment.

We were able to make it to my mother in laws, and things immediately got better. Ah yes, the underlying reason for the trip was a baby shower for my unborn son. Yup, the cat is out of the bag now. We’re having a boy. There’s really no doubt about it, ultrasounds are remarkably clear. I saw his junk flopping around in the amniotic fluid.

Anyway, the next day, Saturday, we took a trip to Madison to soak in the wonder that is the state capital. It really is the best place in the world to live, it consistently ranks #1 in America to live. We walked around campus and State Street in the balmy, sunny Fall weather. It was great. We made our way to the Terrace and sat by the lake a bit. Normally we would have stayed for the Halloween festivities, but since my wife is pregnant we had to skip out this year. Yes, there was pepper spray used on the crowd again, something like the fourth year in a row. It’s really sad that there are a bunch of assholes from out of town that feel the need to start all this crap.

The baby shower was the next day, and I spent most of it watching football. I did participate in the present opening. We got a ton of stuff. When we left, the entire bed of the truck was full.

We both had Monday off, so we took our time getting back home. It’s still an awful trip, and I can’t wait to move closer to Wisconsin.

If you forgot to give a baby shower gift, there's still time!