Pure Gonzo Engineering

Thursday, March 30, 2006

If I dressed like that I'd kick my own ass.

Here’s an example of the kind of shit I have to sit through while I’m deeply entrenched in the corporate world.

It’s almost spring, and what do upper and middle class people who want to say they play a sport do when it starts to get warm? Why, golf of course! I don’t have anything against golf per say, but most of the sort of people who play golf aren’t the kind of people I really like to hang out with (if people can judge me based on the ink in my skin then I can judge people based on the “sport” they play), especially my boss's, boss's boss.

Marketing dude: So XXXXX went to the golf store yesterday, and I figured since he was a product manager that he would come out of there with a big new driver. He comes back and tells me that he was getting his ball retriever re-gripped.

Roaring laughter from the crowd.

If I ever find something like that funny, I want to be put down.
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Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Those Fucking Firefighters

Winter hockey league is over, and the dastardly incompetent Peoria firefighters team has taken our league. God I hate them.

Here was an exchange as I was waiting to take a face-off against jerk-off “I make up for having a small penis by playing in a league that’s far below my skill level” after his third goal of the game.

“Does it make you feel like a big man beating up on C-League players?”

“Why don’t you shut the fuck up?”

“It’s a damn shame my taxes pay for your salary.”

“You couldn’t do half the things I do (firefighting).”

“Like watching TV and playing grab ass in the shower with other firefighters?”


“Go to hell, pussy.”

Puck drops

Ah well, it was a fun season. I loved to hate those assholes. Next winter I’m putting together a roster for a team. Still a true C-League team, just without the really dead weight.

I watched the movie “Hustle and Flow” over the weekend. It was really good. The song “It’s hard out here for a Pimp” from the movie won the Oscar for best song. It had some good underlying universal themes about life, along with strippers, prostitutes, and heavy drug usage. Those things are ok for babies to watch right??

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Kids are awesome. Actually my child in particular is awesome. I don’t really like other people’s kids for the most part. He’s just so fun to interact with. Being a parent is satisfying on so many levels.

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Friday, March 24, 2006

Lawryde is back from his vision quest... or something like that

So I’ve been a bad little monkey recently and haven’t been posting with the frequency I normally do.
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Hopefully my loyal readers haven’t been too bored looking at the same shit every time they load my blog.

The main reason I haven’t posted anything in a while is that I’ve been at a training class all week for work. In the class we got to take apart a diesel engine and then rebuild it. It was really fun. Most people might not think that would be fun, but it was.

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That’s a picture of a C13 Opposite of Dog engine, which is the engine that I took apart.

Our hockey season is wrapping up with our tournament. We’ve played four games in the last six days. We’ve ended up in the loser’s bracket, but only need to beat one more team to make it to the finals, where we would have to beat the winner’s bracket team twice in a row. It’s improbable, but not impossible for us to win the division. I doubt we will. We haven’t been playing well, and we have a true C league team (a mix of beginners and relatively decent players). The dick-hole firefighters, and the other team still in it, have no beginners who can barely skate, and also have guys who should be in B, if not A, league. Ah well, I’ve had fun this season, and gotten better. I’ve scored a total of 4 goals in the games we’ve played.

Work is becoming less oppressive day by day. I really like my new boss, he’s not weird and quiet like my last one, and my Ultra Conservative-Christian systems engineer is moving a cubicle away from me so he won’t be looking over my shoulder every time he turns around.

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Carter is very happy that his cast is off. Isn’t he adorable? Can I create a high quality baby or what?

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Friday, March 17, 2006

Everybody’s Free

Carter got his cast off today!!!

It was really gross underneath it though. His skin was all leathery and hard, not smooth and nice like baby skin usually is. It also smelled terrible. It was this sour milk, sweat, mixed with baby poo smell. He also had some diaper rash near his hips where the skin was kind of folded in on itself. They X- rayed him, and he had a bunch of new bone growth. As he grows, the bone will remodel itself to look like a normal femur. (Somehow the body can do this).

I’m so happy for him. He was instantly in a better mood. My wife took him home, and is in the process of giving him a thorough bath.

I’ve got two hockey games this weekend and then the double-elimination tournament starts next week. Our game is so spotty that I’d be surprised if we won the tournament, but you never know. It’ll be fun.

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate March Madness?

Yes, a year ago.

People are just so wrapped up in the whole thing. It’s sad they lead such boring, pathetic lives that they need to invest as much effort as they do.

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Die basketball, Die!!!

No, it’s German… Dee, basketball, Dee


Wednesday, March 15, 2006

People are always asking me if I know Tyler Durden...

“Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.”

I love Chuck Palahniuk books, even though this quotes is from the movie and not directly from the book.

I can relate to this quote on so many levels. I am a white-collar slave. I work at a job where I have to stifle who I am so I can pay for all the shit that I really don’t need. I grew up and was shaped as a person in the 90’s (age 9-18). There was no defining moment or situation that happened in the 90’s to give me some grand purpose or to put some perspective to life. My war is a spiritual war. I could give two shits about the war on terror right now, and I’m trying to deal with the depression in my life with drugs. I’m slowly learning that I will always be a slave to money, and I will never be remembered after all those that knew me die.

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You know what? Sometimes you just have to admit that if you were forced to be gay, you wouldn’t mind it if Brad Pitt was doing you. (I’m comfortable enough in my heterosexuality to admit that.)

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Monday, March 13, 2006

Now I know why I’m not a carpenter.

My wife wanted to repaint our bedroom because it was too dark. Ok, lets do it. I foolishly said, “Hey, let’s put some crown molding up as well.” I had put up chair railing in the babies room, so I figured crown molding wouldn’t be all that different.

Turns out it really is that different. I determined I lack some fundamental understanding of the coping and mitering process.
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I was just having a hell of a time getting the corners and middle of the run joints to look ok. Finally I just said fuck-it and got out the wood filler. Your average carpenter doesn’t have time to put some real artistry into filling up the one-inch gap in the corner where the molding doesn’t come together. They choose to do it correctly the first time, where as I prefer to tap into the creative side of my brain and sculpt the corner to a point where it’s marginally acceptable. Acceptable enough for a $105,000 house at least. It’s done now, but it will still need some touch-up work when I have some time. A little sanding here and there and a bit more wood filler will make it all better.

My goal-scoring drought continued last night even though we kicked the shit out of the black team 13-2. I don’t think I’ve had a goal in something like 4 or 5 games. I did have several assists yesterday, but no one really cares about that. They don’t have a term for having 3 assists in a game. Three goals, hat trick, three assists…mmmm nothing. I’m also a face-off god now. I win something like 95% of my face-offs. So I do contribute, just not in the only-way-to-win sort of way.

It’s Carter’s first day of day-care today, and my wife’s first day back at work. I hope they are doing well.

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Thursday, March 09, 2006

Exactly 365 days ago I started Pure Gonzo Engineering.

As I said in my very first post, I always though blogs were stupid, and I was just doing it to pass the time at work and so I would have a place to vent my frustrations with this life.

Thus far almost 6,000 people have visited my blog from all corners of the world. I always find it strange when I look at my site meter and it says that someone from England or Sweden or somewhere in Africa has been on my blog. How did they manage to get here? What do they think of me after reading a few posts?

It’s amazing how many big things happened in the past year. I bought a house, had a child, went back to therapy, got some new tattoos, and so on and so on.

Fear and Loathing… those two words definitely sum up how I feel about Opposite of Dog after this year. This company is so atavistic that a person like me just doesn’t fit in quite right. Hopefully in another year or two, I can get the hell out of here. Maybe get a job with a company that’s a bit cooler (Harley in Milwaukee?).

Then again, why worry? In the end we’re all dead men, and what we do in life really doesn’t matter. Life’s just that walking shadow in an infinite universe that, due to entropy, is constantly degrading its energy until one day all that will be left is cold darkness. Hell, our sun will eventually supernova engulfing earth in super heated plasma, and then will collapse into a black-hole which will suck all our remains into a singularity. I guess all you can do is try to laugh at all the funny things that happen on the way to the grave. Huh, I guess the medicine is working cause I’m not getting that overwhelming fear of dread.

It’s amazing how small decisions and events shape how your life will be entirely. I would never have met my wife for the first time had my computer not locked up on me when my friend asked me to go to a party with him. We may have never gotten together and Carter may have never existed if that computer didn’t lock up when it did.

If I hadn’t signed up on the waiting list for an on campus interview with Opposite of Dog, I never would have gotten this job and never would have moved to Peoria. Maybe that little decision was the wrong one.

I also could have never existed. My dad was engaged to a woman, not my mom, and then broke it off. I don’t know the whole story, but there was the possibility that he would have stayed with her (maybe not, I don’t know), but then I would have never existed and neither would Carter. Crazy shit.

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Monday, March 06, 2006

"What's the score here?" "What's next?"

I seem to have lost all concept of time and space. It must be the reduced amount of sleep I’m getting. It’s Monday?, but it doesn’t seem like Monday. This weekend went by kind of slowish, fast.

We tied in our hockey outing yesterday. We were playing against Roast Beef’s team. God I hate that kid. I kept telling him how fat he was all game. He tends to not play well when he’s pissed off so I decided to lay it on pretty heavy. During the third period he tried to make a run down the ice, and I was fore-checking. He cut inside, and I poked my stick at the puck. My stick got in-between his legs, and I heard a snap. His fat ass legs cracked my stick about a third of the way up. I fell down, and it tripped him up a bit. He came back and said some shit about “So, I’m fat am I?” I said, “Yeah, your fat legs just snapped my stick!” I skated off the ice because as soon as you break your stick you have to drop it so you don’t impale someone. It was a good game though. I’m pissed I broke my stick. I only got two games out of it.

Carter is still kind of crabby at times throughout the day, but I guess most babies are. He was much better tempered before he broke his leg. He’s taking it like a champ though. I’d be pissed off too if I had to have both my legs in a cast that went up to the middle of my chest. Hopefully it will be off by the 17th.

I decided to shave my beard into a handlebar mustache and some pork-chop sideburns. It’s very 1970’s porn star/used car salesman/creepy neighbor. I dig it though. If I get a chance I’ll post a picture.
And remember kids…. It’s hard out here for a pimp… And if you don’t find John Stewart funny, you’re too old, or too stupid.

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Can I interest you in this sporty hatchback? Or maybe you'd like to see my latest movie? I swear it's just a stepping stone to a real acting gig.

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Friday, March 03, 2006

Peoria is what it is

It looks like Peoria is going to open up a toxic waste dump on the city limits

Well, as the old saying goes... you can create a place to store the toxic waste, but you just can't take the toxic waste out of a shithole town.... or something like that.

It's fitting really, and I think it's hilarious all the locals are pissed off about it. It blows my mind that some people actually think Peoria is a good place to live their entire lives in.