Pure Gonzo Engineering

Wednesday, October 26, 2005


Why is someone from the United States Department of Agriculture viewing my blog?

I always thought it would be the CIA, IRS or the FBI who'd be watching.

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My house exploded last night and I died, maybe not… I found the source of my gas leak. One of the 90° fittings had a really small leak at the joint. I was barely able to see it with soapy water. So now I had this dilemma as to what to do. I didn’t want to call in a professional to fix it since it wasn’t an emergency situation, and there wasn’t a shutoff valve before the leak except the main. If I ever build a house, which I doubt I ever would, I would put shutoffs all over the place even though it would add cost. So I decide to head to Lowes and get myself some epoxy putty. If you’ve never used the stuff, it’s pretty cool. It’s like silly putty, but when you mix it up it sets up like a rock and seals up anything.

I attempt to put it on a first time, but as it was setting up the small amount of gas was seeping in behind it and not allowing it to bond with the metal of the pipe. I was able to pull it of after it had set. I wouldn’t let some little gas leak defeat me though, so I mixed up a second handful of putty. This time I continually massaged it around the joint as it was setting to make sure it was in contact with the pipe the whole time.

This seems to have worked. I went to our birthing class, and came back and didn’t smell the rotten eggs. This morning I also got my head up in the joists and took a big smell and after 8 hours I couldn’t smell anything, so I think I got it. (Crossing Fingers).

For only $3.95 you could pay for my epoxy putty!


Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Let's get down to brass tacks. How much for the ape?

So it’s really starting to hit home now that I’m going to be a father. We’ve started taking birthing classes, and the worm baby can now be easily felt from the outside, kicking and punching.

I actually felt like crying today as I drove into work. I imagined talking to my child and trying to tell him/her that they were born in Peoria. Then explaining how my life was while I was living here, what I did, who I knew, etc. I felt like crying because this town is terrible, and I feel bad my daughter/son has to be born here and consider themselves a native Peorian(?), and Illinoisan(?).

The second reason is that I know so little about my father’s life prior to me or my sisters. I know from hearsay that he was engaged before he met my mom, thus I almost never existed. (That’s kind of crazy shit to wrap your mind around). Imagine all those little choices you make in life that completely determine how your life will turn out in the end. But anyway, I have no idea what my dad was like when he was just starting out as an adult. That’s kind of why I like this blog. My kid can look at this and see how I was, for better or worse. What I though, how I felt, what decisions I had to make. (As long as Blogger doesn’t go bankrupt or somehow change its services, which is probably inevitable)

I’ve got this home issue too. I think one of my old natural gas lines may have a tiny, tiny tiny, tiny, tiny leak in it at a joint. If you get your nose right up close to it, you can smell the faintest tiniest bit of rotten eggs, but not all the time. I smelled it once before like two months ago, and my house hasn’t blown up since, and I never smell it strongly when I just walk into the basement, I have to get up close to the floor joist where it runs and smell right next to it. This leads me to believe it’s not accumulating at all. I put an open flame up near it and it didn’t really do anything, so I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t really want to call the gas company cause I don’t know if they charge just to come out and see if it ends up being nothing. I also don’t want to pay a licensed pipe fitter (plumber) $100/hr to come in and take out this totally unnecessary line. (It would be used for a gas stove if I had one, but it’s capped at the end right now). I don’t know, I guess I’ll keep a nose on it.

Hey why haven't you donated to my life yet?

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Monday, October 24, 2005

Wet as October

I got to play some hockey this weekend. It was good; it really cleared my head and made my body burn. I played well considering I haven’t played in a few months. I even ended up scoring a goal. My arch nemesis Roast Beef wasn’t there. Hopefully that jackass went to school this year, and I don’t have to play against him.

I hooked up my washer and drier this weekend. Installation didn’t go as smooth as I hoped. I had to put a new drain pipe in for the washer, and went back and forth to the hardware store like five times to get the right gas fittings for the drier. Then, the longest flexible gas line wasn’t long enough to reach the drier. I got some cinder blocks from outside and propped the drier on those so that it would reach. Actually it’s nicer now because you don’t have to bend down very far to get the dry clothes out, a definite plus for the pregnant wife.

I always thought evergreens didn’t really lose their needles, but the neighbors tree dumped a shit ton of needles in my driveway. I raked all of them up on Saturday, and they filled four yard waste bags.

Wow, rereading all that was terribly boring. Oh well, I guess every weekend or day can’t be filled with drama.

Your life is diary; getting more and more boring as fewer and fewer people choose to read it.

Oh yeah, support my life, give me money.

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Thursday, October 20, 2005

If a thing’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right

I’m some sort of prophetic genius. I felt things falling apart during my last post, and they finally did, mentally that is.

I don’t know what it is about showering that brings about this fear in me, but yesterday morning as I got done showering and was drying myself off I was suddenly struck with the panic that I was going to die eventually and there was no possible way to avoid it. If there is the possibility that there is a God, then there is also the distinct possibility that when we die, that’s it. Game Over. Nothingness. You no longer exist in any way shape or form. Stop what you’re doing right now, and wrap your mind around that little chestnut. Swish it around in your mouth and get the flavor of it. Forget all the shit you need to do today and tomorrow and tomorrow.

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I felt like an animal locking in a cage waiting to be put down. I was still half wet, but I ran into our bedroom, my eyes unable to adjust quick enough from the glaring light of the bathroom to find my wife. I pawed in the darkness until I found her and rolled her toward me so I could hug her. She immediately knew what had happened and hugged me close as I began crying into her shoulder. The thought too of some day not being with her seared my eyes, as my breathing finally began to slow. Maybe ten minutes had passed since the fear hit me, and I felt a bit better. I kissed my wife, ran my hand over her pregnant belly and went back to the bathroom to finish getting ready.

I finished more work, at work, than I had in a long time. At the end of the day the fear was farther away, back in it’s cage in my mind.

If you want to help pay for my Psychiatric bill, I do take donations.

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Tuesday, October 18, 2005

The Growing Storm

So I finally broke down and bought a washing machine. If you want to help me pay for it, you can always give me some money. It’ll be nice to be able to just go downstairs to do laundry now rather than loading up the car and going to the Laundromat.

I was also looking for replacement racks for our Hotpoint dishwasher because ours are all corroded and shit. They want $100 a piece for top and bottom replacements. Fuck! I mind as well buy a whole new machine for that price. The dishwasher works really well other than the crappy racks. If anyone out there has a Hotpoint dishwasher they’re scrapping and wants to give me the racks, that’d be sweet. I looked on EBay, but no one has any up for sale.

Winter hockey starts this Sunday. I’m ready. This lull from summer to winter league has left me soft and weak. It’ll be good to hit the ice again.

I often wonder if I’m really, really smart, or if people around me are just really, really stupid. I don’t know.

Someone, tell me if this is tax fraud or not. I’ve used all my flexible spending money already, but lets say I have $1000 left over. I go to Wal-Mart and buy $1000 worth of Aspirin, which is covered under flexible spending. I submit this and get reimbursed for the $1000. I then go back to Wal-Mart and return the $1000 worth of Aspirin, unopened and resalable. Is this fraud? Will I go to Federal Pound-Me-In-The-Ass Prison for this? How could I possibly be caught for this? (Other than the feds reading this post.)

I feel like I’m in the eye of a hurricane right now. Everything appears to be OK, but I know that a huge fucking shit storm is going to hit soon.

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Friday, October 14, 2005

I’m just trying to laugh at all the funny things that happen on the way to the grave

I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve actually been busy at work. Shit finally came together, and when it does come together, I have to design things.

We got rid of the asshole dog we adopted about 6 weeks ago. He was a 4 year old beagle and we just couldn’t house break him. He was making my wife and my life a living hell, constantly cleaning up after him, his incessant whining when we had to kennel him. I feel a million times better now that he’s gone.

I was told today that I do a good job at work, but I don’t apply myself and seems as though I could do more. I was a bit confused. I get absolutely everything I’m supposed to get done, done. I even do a bit more. I don’t, however, stay anymore than 40 hours a week at work. Fuck that. Just because all the other assholes can’t get what they are expected to get done in 40 hours doesn’t mean I should get punished for only staying 40 and getting all of my work done. I guess I’m not corporate material.

I felt my baby kick through my wife’s stomach yesterday. It was really hard. That’s some crazy shit. There’s a little worm baby in their kicking around. Really, really crazy.

So anyway, there’s other stuff that has gone on, but I need to get back to work, or at least make it look as though I’m doing more.


Remember, if you feel generous give me some money.

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Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Give Me Money

So you may have noticed that I put up a donation button on the sidebar. So now, if you want to give me money, all you have to do is click on that button and follow the instructions. It’s secured through pay-pal, and you can even use major credit cards.

Why would you give money to me? Well, it seems as though all my shit is breaking right now, and I have no money. The thermocouple on my water heater broke, the battery in my car broke, my sewer line needs to be fixed, my health insurance premiums and co-pay are more than doubling in some cases, I have a baby on the way, etc. The list is long, and to top it all off I have large amounts of student loans and credit card debt to pay for.

So what will you get for your money?

In addition to the satisfaction of knowing you’ve helped my wife, my unborn child, and myself, live a better life, I’ve also set up gift ranges for those who donate:

$1-$100 range- I will send you a greeting card once a year with a summary of how I am doing and thanking you again for your donation.

Over $100- I will send you a greeting card, and a gift each year to show my appreciation for your generosity.
So there you have it. Why hoard your money until you die when you can give it away and make people happy. Come on! You can probably even deduct it on your taxes, because we all know I’m a big charity case.