Pure Gonzo Engineering

Thursday, September 01, 2016

The Last Post Ever. I'm pretty sure I'm serious this time.

The central theme of this blog has always been my struggle with work.  My struggle with Opposite of Dog.  I would say that struggle reached an apex in the months leading up to August and was finally ended on August 1, 2016.  On that day, I sent out an email that channeled all the energy that had been building up from not only me, but from all my colleagues and coworkers.  It was a sounding board for so many people.

I immediately got back responses saying how amazing it was, how it "redefined epic", how I had the courage to say what so many others were feeling.  Every day since I've sent it out I've gotten random emails, facebook messages, linkedin notes, etc about how fantastic it was.

Fuck it, I've got brain cancer.  To stay alive I have to do all the horrible things most people will never have to, go through radiation, take horrible chemo drugs, deal with thinking horrible thoughts of what to expect and what may come of the rest of my life, however, that ALSO gives me the ability to send an open, honest email out.

I get to point out that the emperors aren't wearing any clothes.

Since odds are the only reason you're here is to see what will surely go down in Opposite of Dog legend and lore... like a bird I unleash it into the internetverse.  (Names removed to protect...certainly not the innocent...)

To whom it may concern:

First the formal part...

This letter is to tender my resignation from Furry Worm Global Mining LLC as of 6:00 AM Monday August 1, 2016.  Before 6:00 AM I did work pertaining to the SixtyFifteenBee for Furry Worm Global Mining LLC.  Based on today's work, I expect my health insurance to continue through the end of August 2016.  See attached PDF's of my email and Q&A from the Opposite of Dog Communicate website (See page 7 regarding health insurance coverage when leaving the company.)

Now for the fun part...

Why did I quit?  What would drive an engineering tech lead for an incredibly successful machine , the SixtyFifteenBee (sold out for the year by the beginning of July!), to quit Furry Worm?  

In a word, Tucson.  

I'll explain this further, but I'll do so in a way that Millennials would understand, since we were told that Millennials will LOVE Tucson.  How does one communicate to Millennials?  Why it's simple, through youtube videos, GIFs, and internet memes.

I mean, how is a person with roots in the Midwest supposed to react to being forced to move to a desert in the Southwest? 

Or, a person can focus their energy and their talent.   They can let their emotions be heard by their leadership team..

As this move progresses, and more people begin to find other opportunities and say goodbye the only way they know how:

(and BTW my middle finger extends especially high to [Jerk Coworker #1][Jerk Coworker #2], and [Jerk Coworker #3].  You were horrible to work with and relied on the shoulders of engineering in SMKE to do your jobs for you and point out where you were absolutely worthless.)

The group will continue to spiral downhill and lose the people that actually do the work!

Soon, [Engineering Manager], [Product Manager], and [Division VP] this is who you'll be leading...

[Engineering Manager], in the future, it would be best to not cancel your all employee meetings because it's summer, people are on vacation, and you're SO busy moving.  You don't get bumped up two salary grades and get to do things like that... if you continue with a leadership style like that, you may have to take that hope of creating a crown jewel in HMS by taking one of your motivational emails and... well...

And [Product Manager], you're welcome for giving you the SixtyFifteenBee which is saving HMS sales.  Since you are only capable of listening to those that are yelling at you the loudest at any given time, here goes YOU ONLY GOT THAT JOB BECAUSE YOU SPEAK GERMAN.  The reality is you're a horrible product manager.  You decided not to fund the SixtyFifteenBee GP even though customers are buying ME versions and putting on their own longer booms and sticks, or retrofitting FiftyOneTenBee GP parts on the SixtyFifteenBee.  You also decided to send [Jerk Coworker #1] to represent the SixtyFifteenBee at Bauma rather than me to please your BFF [Service Manager].  [Jerk Coworker #1], a guy who didn't know how to look up a drawing until recently, over a tech lead who delivered you a machine on time, on cost, and on quality targets.  

And [Division VP], so, yeah, well, you know, you're a guy from Cali-Iowa, who, you know, yeah, well

Only in a company like Furry Worm could a VP of a group losing millions of dollars a quarter still be allowed to continue on with his idea to move a huge group of employees to Tucson, and only that company would think the plan would work and be successful.  Although I'm sure if you pull the critical OPACC levers and execute on your winning playbook everyone will be non-monetarily compensated for their hard work.

I asked the Tier 1 SixtyFifteenBee that will be built in Batam (Lingo version) what it thought of the Tucson move (I'm like a horse whisperer but for heavy equipment).  

It said to me, "All you have to do is look at my serial number and you'll understand exactly what that idea is."

(Haters gonna be screaming that picture is of a machine in Tucson... I know, that's why I did it!  That machine understands how bad it is there!)

Finally to my colleagues (those of you below a salary grade 25), you can find a job that pays you as much as Furry Worm, who's benefits are just as good, and who's business cycle won't be like riding a roller-coaster.  I would gladly review anyone's resume and give you numerous websites for job hunting.  I can be reached at the email listed in the CC of this email.  I hope this email will give you something to laugh about and motivate you to look for other opportunities on an otherwise dismal day at the shovel factory.

For those frothing at the mouth and grinding your teeth, remember, I have brain cancer, and I'll probably be dead way before you.  (I thank whatever gods may be that I'll die in Wisconsin and not Arizona.)  Unfortunately, you'll always have the memory of me in the Tier 4 SixtyFifteenBee's  Serial numbers LWN for those built in Dortmund and LWS01 for those built in Batam.  

I'll think back at my time at Opposite of Dog Global Mining as I play hockey with my kids on my backyard rink during the winter, sit on the beaches of Lake Michigan on a reasonably hot summer day, enjoy the great bands at Summerfest, and visit with my family (several times a year) that are only a car ride away.  I'll struggle through not being able to ride a trolley year round, but they make Photo Shop, so I think I'll be okay.

(A parody of a parody!!!)‚Äč

I haven't felt this good since the first time I quite Furry Worm and was able to get out of Peoria and back to Wisconsin.  (On a side note, the reason I'm giving such short notice is that the last time I quit, I was walked out and not paid for that time.  For those that find something in the future, keep this in mind.  You are nothing to Furry Worm, just a number.  They won't extend any courtesies to you.  They can fire you at any moment, so you have the right to walk out at any moment.)

"There is no point in looking back. Fuck no, not today, thank you kindly. My heart is filled with joy.  I felt like a monster reincarnation of Horatio Alger:  A man on the move, and just sick enough to be totally confident." -Hunter S. Thompson

Pure Gonzo Engineering

And for those worried about that bridge behind me... well, there's an internet meme for that too...

(In this day and age, I conclude this email with the disclaimer that there is NO intention to communicate violence or destruction of property.  This is true for any statements, videos, meme, or gifs in this email.  The intent is to speak in metaphors for the sake of humor.  No actual violence or destruction of property is implied or intended.)

So there it was, and is, and ever shall be until the internet dies.  

Pure Fucking Gonzo Engineering!

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