On Death and Dying

I have a friend who's Mom is dying. Cancer. Not the funny kind, the kind that kills you.

It sucks. I'm so wrapped in my own mortality that when someone else is dealing with death I have a hard time pushing it out of my mind.

I've had these mini-rapid fire fear of death episodes in the past few weeks. Not the typical long philosophical wanders of my mind that eventually lead to me realizing I will die and then panicking for several minutes. More of all that compressed into like 10 seconds. It's nice in that it passes quickly, it sucks in that it's unexpected.

And then I read this story today about this woman who stabbed her two infant/toddler sons to death and it makes me doubt the existence of any higher power or thing after death.

There's still the possibility time is just a loop for us, but that still doesn't make me feel any better for those little boys, or my friends dying Mom.

There is no Why.

My homage to Nihilism tattoo sounds better and better to me. The concept is 9X4=38 in block lettering and then all my favorite quotes that tend to be dark and Nihilistic in the style of a schizophrenic's journal written inside the numbers. Kind of like Homer's writing of No TV and no beer make homer go crazy all over the walls in that Simpson's episode.

The Oak Tree

At the end of the week and the beginning of the weekend I was getting incredibly frustrated with Carter. He was being two, and I wanted him to be 12.

Now, I wanted to cry when I dropped him off at a babysitter. We've got him in a hawk for the summer. He's this crazy little dude who loves jumping off things and talking about the sun going to sleep and where trucks and tractors are hiding. This little piece of me.

I can only hope I can be all that he needs me to be.

I'm there. I matter less than him, than his future brother, than my wife.

I'm there.

Lawryde should be CEO

Diversity Of Thought Will Take
Opposite of Dog From Good To Great

...Sometimes, in the United States in
particular, we hear the word “diversity”
and immediately think of race or gender.
Certainly it’s important that we’re diverse
in how we look as a company, especially
as we work to attract the best talent
around the world to serve our customers.
But it’s even more important that we’re
diverse in how we think...- JO CEO Opposite of Dog 02/2008

Friday, October 06, 2006

I am Jack's acceptance of Diversity

Opposite of Dog has a large diversity initiative in place. I’m all for diversity in the workplace, especially at Opposite of Dog where the culture is so grossly atavistic it’s oppressive.When most people think of diversity, they think of different races and cultures interacting as if there is no difference between them. This is definitely part of diversity, but I think that’s pretty easy to achieve. By easy, I mean that it’s easy to accept someone when they are supposed to be different than you are. Someone from India is from the other side of the world, so most people can handle the fact that they have different customs and ways of seeing the world.Where Opposite of Dog is failing, and will continue to fail is diversity of thought. I can’t be who I actually am at work; because of the inability of old white men to accept the fact that all young white engineers aren’t conservative, Republican, God fearing, risk intolerant, local sports team loving, willing components of the larger machine.The day I could come to work in a short sleeve shirt, sit down and eat sushi at lunch, and have a discussion about how universal healthcare would solve the rising cost of healthcare (it’s all the lawyers faults according to 99% of the people who work here), would be the day that Opposite of Dog has truly embraced diversity.At which point hell would freeze over.

-Lawryde Engineer Opposite of Dog

I'm so fucking progressive.

The Devilish Little Boy

“I wake up in the morning, fold my hands and pray for rain, I’ve got a head full of ideas that are driving me insane.”

Carter has become a real dick in the past few weeks. He’s 20 months now. He wants to do things, and wants us to do things for him that he can’t fully express, and he gets frustrated, which in turn frustrates us. It’s a good thing he’s so lovable.

“well, I try my best to be just like I am, but everybody wants you, to be just like them”

I’m putting together a hockey team for the winter league. It’s going to be some dudes at Opposite of Dog I know, and some of my tattooed friends I’ve played with in years past. I somehow feel important since I’m doing the legwork of putting the team together. I think that makes me the Captain.

It’s should be a good solid team, no single fantastic players, a good team. I’m hoping to put something together to face off against the team of younger kids I was playing on. They failed to see the fun in making a nice pass, and just wanted to score a bunch of goals so they’d get a piece of ass from their high school sweeties after the game.

I was listening to a 90’s resurrection weekend on Labor Day, and they played the Might Mighty Bosstones-Never had to Knock on Wood. It reminded my of my high school friend Jay. He really dug(digs) Ska music.

I miss having a friend like him. I still onsider us friends, but he lives two hundred miles away from me. I don’t know that I have time for real in depth friendships anymore. I don’t know, maybe I’m just full of shit.

You become insane from a head full of ideas when you don’t make good on them

Hydraulically Speaking

I’ve got a week done at the new job at the Opposite of Dog sandbox. It’s pretty good. The people are pretty cool, I get my own laptop, and, once I get my operators license, get to drive heavy machinery around.

It’s been hot, but my Under Armour has done it’s job. You still feel hot, but I don’t feel sweaty. There are a bunch of mechanics around that have quite a bit of ink, but they’re mechanics. My right arm is offensive by most people’s standards anyway so I’ll keep them covered.

I’ve been learning the ropes, how to get stuff done. They have way better training than when I started at my design job. The sandbox is 2500 acres, most of it just sound barrier for operating machines loudly.

I think this place will be OK for the next few years. (We’ll see how I feel in 18 months or so.)

My parents came down this past weekend. My dad and I ripped down an old shitty fence that was on the edge of my driveway. I wasn’t sure if it was my neighbors or mine, so I just asked him if I could get rid of it since it was old, ugly, and made it a bitch to shovel snow. He was fine with it, so we took it back to where it frames in his backyard. I replaced that portion with some new cedar dog-ear fence.

I don’t think I have enough pictures of Carter up in my office. Right now at 2:15 I miss him. I had pictures of him plastered all over my desk at the last job. I’ll have to hang a few up here.

The Stabbin’ Cabin

So it’s my last day in this building. Kind of weird. I’ve got all my shit packed up and ready to move to my new job out at the Proving Grounds. I brought in some Panera bagels and have a farewell lunch at the Mexican restaurant where we always go when people leave.

On Monday I go from the most knowledgeable guy in my group to the guy who doesn’t know shit. For the first few months I’ll have to keep my mouth shut and just soak up how things are done, and who not to piss off.

It should be good though. I’ll need to get my machine operators license, so I’ll get to play on some heavy equipment. I’ve got all kinds of safety training to take which is usually hella boring. No more flex time now either, well kind of, but everyone typically starts when all the mechanics start which is 7:00am. I usually rolled into work between 7:30 and 8:00, so I’ll be getting my ass up earlier now.

I feel like I should somehow feel more than what I do right now. I’m pretty empty, not really nervous, or sad, or overly excited.

The End is Near

I’ve got about two weeks left at my current assignment at Opposite of Dog. Next month I’ll move out to the sandbox and do hydraulic development work on pipelayers, a subset of track type tractors. (No blade or ripper with a big boom and hook and a big counterweight on either side). I tend to enjoy laying pipe, so it should be a good fit for me.

That was a terrible joke.

I’ve worked at… about 9 different places thus far in my life, but never as long as I’ve been at this job. I’ll still be with the same company, but I’ve gone to the same building for three and a half years.

My physical plant tends to not work well with change. It makes me physically ill.

Maybe I’ve progressed mentally as a human being in the past few years, maybe this will go well.

Note to wife: Perhaps we should buy a swing for the devil baby you are watching. I’ve heard they calm the worst babies.