20 days... really?

That's really too long in between blog posts. One of my old friends called me out on it via a facebook message a few days ago.

I could say I have excuses, work and family and all that.

Truth is I've hit some sort of low point so this seems like as good an idea as any other. It's helped in the past right?

It doesn't feel as bad as times before, yet, at the same time it is.

I nearly punched a 2 inch thick piece of steel today I was so overwhelmed. I would have broken my hand.

At the time it didn't seem like a bad idea. I'd get to leave work, have minimal tasks after. I'd get sympathy, mind numbing pain and mind numbing endorphins and mind numbing pain killers.

He who makes a beast of himself, gets rid of the pain of being a man.

All these Nihilistic and generally depressing quotes and phrases have been bombarding me all day. Thinking about all the bad things that have happened and that could happen, and wondering if my children's smiles make up for all of them.

Is it ironic or not that it's been raining all day today and still is... no you'd expect that. Bad weather to match a bad mood, too predictable.

I can only hope that hockey makes me feel better tonight. That's a true sign of depression, not enjoying what you've found pleasure in in the past.

Perhaps this will be like a steep economic recovery. A V not a U. Maybe I'll score like 3 goals tonight, and then come home and have great sex with my wife, and then sleep soundly till morning, and then maybe the sun will come out, and my machine's software will not act like mentally retarded monkeys wrote it, and maybe they'll say they are reinstating raises at work, and my kids won't be so exhausted when I come home after work that they only want to test the limits of my patience, and everything, every little thing will be all-right.

Three Little Birds and Redemption Song always make me sad in that music is so beautiful my heart aches kind of way. Bob Marley as well as David Bowie have that affect on me. I'll make sure to que that up in the MP3 player tomorrow.

The Long Hiatus

I haven’t written anything for a long time. Don’t really know why. I guess it speaks to twitter and facebook’s popularity. I’d rather just condense my thoughts into one sentence rather than a long drawn out story. Maybe this is the death of Pure Gonzo Engineering. More people look at my facebook status than this blog. Maybe I’ll try and be more in depth with my facebook status updates rather than: Lawryde is eatin’ lunch or Lawryde is sleepy or the other bullshit that I and other people ramble on about.

I have been working harder than I normally do. Not for anything more like I should be getting, but because we are understaffed. OMG, we got rid of all kinds of people and have a shit ton of work. This would be like if I crashed a dozer into the side of a building. Manager’s are allowed metaphoric crashes all the time with no repercussion. I’d be fired. I reported like 20 hours of overtime last month which is unheard of for me. I’m an 8 and out the gate type of guy. If I worked 20 hours of OT then my young single coworker worker like 100 hours of OT last month. Dude is here till like 7 or 10 at night all the time. I told him he needs to stop that shit. People will just start to expect it, and you won’t get anything in return.

I’ve begun to search for Gonzo Engineering work in Wisconsin, had a phone interview this Tuesday. I felt like a fucking idiot. When I was interviewing in college, when I got like 6 offers, I was a fucking professional interviewer. I knew what I was going to be asked, and I had stories for each of those questions. It was a think of beauty. Interviewers loved me. Last name Ever, first name Greatest. Now I’m all out of practice and my stories aren’t current. I stumble and repeat myself and have a hard time getting to the point, trailing of in incomplete sentences. Hopefully this one will be good practice for any future. Get me back in the game. I guess I’ll know if I was any good or not at this one depending on if I get an on site interview or not.

I’ve got this elitist hockey team I put together of(almost) all Opposite of Dog employees. We’re going to be the yellow team. (Ha ha ha get it, yellow… Opposite of Dog.) Can’t be really affiliated with the company in any way, wouldn’t want to sully the brand in any way. God knows I would, in the locker room and on the ice. The team seems like it will be OK, but there’s all this underlying anger towards Opposite of Dog and towards those that work at Opposite of Dog within the community. Hating the popular kid sort of thing, so we may have everyone step up their game to humiliate us.

Ahhh, this felt pretty good. Maybe we can do it again some time, more frequently than once a month. (ha ha, that’s funny right coming from a married man… that old stereotype of never getting laid once you’re married ha ha ha ha) (suck it lol, I type out my laughter, you can’t just box it up in three letters like that.)