Hallelujah

Eli: I remember as a kid, I was ... I dunno, maybe seven or eight ... my grandfather died and my parents took me to the funeral. Watching his casket getting lowered into the ground, it ... it was the first time that I realized I was gonna die one day. I mean, I knew people died. I'm talking about the idea that my consciousness was gonna end. I wasn't gonna see what happened to the world. It was such an empty, dark feeling, like I was falling down a pitch-black hole. It was ... it scared the crap out of me.

Rush: I take it you don't believe in the afterlife.

Eli: That fear was almost too much to handle. I guess maybe I thought I'd just get used to it.
Rush: But you don't.

Eli: No. No. It scared me just as much every time.

Rush: Most people realize their own mortality at some stage of the game, Eli. It's not a particularly unique experience.

Eli: I know.

Rush: The question is, did it change you? Did it inspire you to make something of this short existence that we have?

Eli: Well, I'm here, aren't I?

When I was like seven I remember crossing the bridge over the Wisconsin River driving to or from church having the realization that I exist in this reality. That my consciousness was real, it felt almost out of body, like I was watching myself riding in the car. Then there was a moment like I fell back into my body, it was like a shock. A splash of cold water in the face almost. I had the same feeling when I walked into the room and seeing my grandma’s dead body in the casket. It was more of a hammer in the face and mind.

The panic and fear didn’t come till later. It ebbs and flows, and I’ve talked about it before. Why I can’t get used to it annoys me. Either there is nothing, and it won’t matter because I won’t be able to care, or I just keep living this life over and over, or I’m punished for eternity for not loving Jesus, or I get to go to happy land forever.

None of them sound great. Even eternal happiness seems strangely boring. The ups and downs of life make the ups that much better. If the coin always comes up heads what the fun in flipping it. Maybe the real end is better, not really… still terrifying and depressing, all those kids who die because of their horrible parents, all those people who suffer every day while I philosophize about life and get stomach aches from eating too much.





Some levity

The Candy Man Can

I know, I know… I suck. It’s been like, another 2 and a half weeks since I last wrote something. Like I said before, it’s so much easier to just write a sentence and post it as a facebook status update. It’s the death of blogging.

I feel better than I did last time I wrote. Things got moving along so I could process the things that were bothering me. 11 hours in a car listening to some tracks I haven’t in years was good. Let my mind deal with everything.

Then there was Halloween. I was Willy Wonka, the Gene Wilder version of course. It was pretty sweet. My wife and I went out two nights since my parents came down to visit and watched the kids. It was pretty great, and we both had a lot of fun. I need to remember to send a thank you note to the woman my wife was a being a Doula for, for not going into labor until the Monday after Halloween. It allowed my wife to drink. On Friday we went to a party of a coworker of mine. A dude ended up getting shot in the side with a bb-gun, so you know it was a good party, and the beer was free. On Saturday we went out with some of my wife’s friends and I had to listen about divorce for the first part of the night which was a big downer, but then we made our way to the gay bar because the women “wanted to dance”. Whatever, if the day prior had told me anything is that I was entirely heterosexual so I went. Now I’d never been there before with out my normal facial hair. Mr. Wonka is clean shaven so I got rid of the beard for the costume. Little did I know that clean shaven lawyrde = gay magnet. I get it, I’m a good looking skinny dude, and without facial hair I look a lot like I did when I was 18. I got hit on like 4 times (I’d like to top that hat! Leaving so soon! Dude in drag grabs the air behind my ass and tells my wife to keep me close to her.) and got a simulated bj from Cher. It’s good to feel loved.

Had our first hockey game, interleague playing down against a C-league team. We destroyed them 8-2. I had two goals, the very first of the season on my first shift which felt good. Something seems to have clicked inside me lately playing hockey. I feel way more confident. I think the key is getting low. You watch a good player and their legs are bent and they are crouched down. Shitty players are almost vertical. You don’t get any power skating and you can’t make tight turns like that. I played pickup last night and scored a sweet top shelf goal that made even some of the better players give me an atta’ boy.

I think we may get destroyed by some of the better b-league teams, but I think we’ll still have fun. I put together a good group of guys. We’re the expansion team so it’s kind of expected we won’t do very well.