If I knew where he was right now I'd be down on the floor licking his balls.

Today in a meeting we are all fortunate enough, no, we were blessed, no, we were graced with the presence of the all powerful, man in charge, supreme ruler of Opposite of Dog.

There were those in the audience who were star struck. Still others thought we were in church or something. When he said good morning, the whole choir of people in the audience repeated, "Good Morning" ... They say jump and you ask how high?...

The row of managers in the front looked like a bunch of bobble heads. Hanging on his every word and nodding in approval, as if to say, "What an amazing string of words you've put together. I whole heartedly agree, and want to shake your hand for bringing up such a wonderful point." One of my favorite Simpson's episode is the one where Homer becomes the leader of the Stone Cutters. He becomes bored with it because no one questions him or contradicts him. He also reenacts the Civil War with a bunch of monkeys at the end.

Another interesting thing that happened was that he made two drug references in his speech to us. "People asked what we had been smoking", and "Our dealers are "OD ing" on...". I really don't care, but I though we were a conservative company, but then I got to thinking. What does one do with ones life when you are the CEO of a Fortune 100 company. You can't really go to the local bars or stripclubs or bowling alley or bookstore or wherever without someone recognizing you. Potentially this person doesn't like how you are running the company and wants to beat the shit out of you. Maybe this person wants to expose how much you drink or that you like boobies rubbed in your face. Who knows... So what do you do instead??? You chill out in your million dollar house, in your indoor pool, and you spark up a J. Maybe chase the dragon on the weekend. Dirty up some one dollar bills, or hundreds in his case. Who knows... Or maybe you just play golf with your CEO buddies. It's always warm enough somewhere, right?

The final intriguing thing that happened was the question and answer part of the meeting. I really wanted to ask about healthcare. About why our out of pocket costs keep going up? Why do I keep hearing that, "Well, it's comparable to other companies like us"? But then five minutes later I hear, "We are about our people and we are industry leaders in what we do" Then my next logical question is why aren't we the industry leaders in the health care we provide to our employees? That would cost too much. That's unamerican. That's too compassionate. We'll give you a new chair, and put an action plan together to pretend we care about you. We really don't though. If we could run a business with 75% less employees and still make as much money as we do now, we'd do it in a heartbeat. We just haven't figured it out yet. Until that time, we're not going to cover your children's inoculations. We're not going to pay for preventative medicine like a yearly physical.

I knew he was a Republican, but he even put out some Republican talking points for us to munch on. "we need more personal choice in healthcare" No we don't, we need universal healthcare so we don't have to pay for the MILLIONS of people without it. "the economy is booming" Not really, our little corner of the market is, and so is the service industry, but I wouldn't call that a Boom. More like a pop.

Of course, the managers at the meeting lobed some softball questions for him to respond to. He knocked them out of the park. Haza! Hurray! The shit that tore me up though, was at the end, everyone clapped for him. Why? Did he just give us a cure for cancer? Did he slip everyone a $50 bill as they walked in? I don't get it. I didn't clap. I was the only one who didn't clap. Someone needs to not be star struck, or money struck, or power struck. In 500 years, will anyone know who ran Opposite of Dog in 2005? Will anyone care? Should I have clapped? Doesn't really matter now does it?