Rocking Out With Your Cock Out

I was just checking out some my favorite blogs, sitting with my wife and Oz, Carter was asleep upstairs. I was about to put together a post about Oz's birth when...

There was a crash of some sort in the back yard. My wife and I looked at each other. I thought she should know what it was. She didn't.

I went downstairs to see if anything had happened down there. Nothing.

Things didn't feel right though. I took a look out the front window and saw a cat skulking down the sidewalk pretty fast. I figured that the cat had been in my garbage cans. I flicked on the back porch light and walked out the door.

I had the screen door set open, and the birth pool was also on the porch drying.

Something caught my eye to the right. It was a large tuft of pubic hair, and some dudes cock. It took a moment to register that this was some unknown dude laying on my porch. I couldn't completely see him since he was kind of behind a bend in the porch. A penis crossing your path unexpectedly at 9:50 at night on a Saturday tends to freak you out. Especially if it isn't yours or one of your close friends or relatives.

I fall backwards into the house, slam the door and lock it, and tell my wife there's some dude on our porch. I grab her phone and dial 911. I don't know the cock's intentions, so I don't want to take any chances.

I get kind of an off connection, and the guy doesn't really even identify himself as 911. I blurt out some dude is passed out on my porch that I don't know and I want him off. I don't know his intentions. He tells me fire and ambulance will be on the way.

I don't own a gun, so I ran downstairs and grabbed my trusty Mission hockey stick and waited at the entrance to our kitchen. Dude would have to either hop the fence or hop over our recycling past the French doors to get out.

I'm not sure how much time passed, but it wasn't much. I heard and saw the fire truck come down our street. I went out the front door and flagged them down with my hockey stick in hand. I led them to the penis on my porch. A cop car also showed up.

I was still jacked up on adrenaline, but felt more confident with a group of firefighters (no, none that I play against in rec hockey) and EMT's. They tell the kid... it was some punk kid. Hot Topic shirt and wallet chain, finger rings and his pants down. They tell him to pull up his pants, ask him what he's doing.

He doesn't know where he is, or what he's doing. I figure he needed to take a leak on the way home and ended up passing out on my porch. He's 16. The cops take a look around, ask him a few questions, and they put him on a stretcher to take him to the hospital. I'm still all jacked up on adrenaline. The EMT's and firefighters give me and my hockey stick a nod and chuckle as they take the kid away.

"I would have chambered one if I would have found him on my porch," One of them says.

I tell them thanks. The cops have to find his mom now. I tell them thanks.

I'm still all jacked up on adrenaline. They hang out on our street doing whatever they do, as my wife and I cope with this violation of our home. I kind of jump around to get some of the energy out. We check all the doors, go see Carter.

It was just a drunk kid. Not a big deal, but still rattling with a 5 day old in the house.

Shouldn't be a big deal being up with little Oz's strange sleeping patterns tonight.


View from out of my front door while they treated the kid and filled out their paperwork.