Fear of Death, Fear of Life

I’m awake now and I should be asleep. I have to go to work tomorrow, but I can’t sleep. I’ve been staying up until 2 am and later the past week not having to be at work. It’s been nice sleeping 12 hours a day.

The fear is still rising up in me. Over break it hit me 3-5 times. The drugs don’t stop it. They make me less anxious overall, but they don’t take away the panic I feel. If anything the drugs have compartmentalized my brain and made the fear more accessible. I had it locked away and behind bars. Now it’s just in the D section under Death: Fear of. That’s right before debauchery: dealings of; and right after Dad: You are going to be one in 10 days or less.


That’s just what’s keeping me up though. ( I dig that picture, that's why I put it in a post again, and it fits.)

On a lighter note, New Year’s was fun. Ever since I had mono for the year 2000 switch, I’ve gotten as drunk as possible on New Year’s Eve, usually followed by debauchery: dealings of.

This year wasn’t really any exception. We went to one of my wife’s co-workers parties. I haven’t drank in quite a while, and since I’m on the drugs, the affects of the alcohol were magnified. It felt good. He who makes a beast of himself… and all that.

Now I’m less than 9 hours away from Conservative hell. I don’t get to be who I am. I guess I’m a whore in that way. I just work for the money. I do like what I do. I just don’t like the environment. Like I’ve said before, if I ever was independently wealthy, I’d start a tattoo parlor, because there isn’t a cooler place in the world than a tattoo shop.

Maybe I’ll be able to go to sleep now. My wife is going to bed too. It’s easier to sleep when someone you’ve been sleeping with for some 6 years is there.