Losing All Hope is Freedom

I don’t know if my lack of posting has been a result of being busier than I normally am at work, or if my life has drifted into that gray area of nothing interesting or anecdotal happening to post about.

I’m not sure what goals I’m supposed to have in life right now. I have a job, am married, have a house, have kids, have a hobby/pastime. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to look for on the horizon. Retirement, not dying prematurely, I just don’t know. I’m starting to feel better about the amount of time I’m spending on things I enjoy and don’t really enjoy but are necessary.

I’ve panicked a couple times about dying recently. That had gone away, but now it’s back. I was watching the movie Dinosaurs with Carter, lying on the floor, and it just hit me like a bucket of cold water. Long term, broad spectrum topics like extinction, the breadth of the universe, and things like that have a habit of tripping the panic in my brain. It was full blown heart racing panic, the kind when you look the wrong way and start to cross the street and a car veers out of the way while you stand there with a stupid look on your face.

The two are related. The goals of being a better father, a better spouse, a better hockey player, a better employee, are all hard and have vague nuanced payoffs. It’s easy to achieve major life milestones, but to excel at them takes focused time and effort.

I answered my own question.