Only 32 more years…

I took vacation days last Thursday and Friday and headed back to my birthplace of Wisconsin Rapids for my Dad’s retirement party. He taught for the Wisconsin Rapids Public School district for 34.5 years.

I decided to shave my head down to a Mohawk for the occasion. I kind of looked like Travis Bickel in Taxi Driver.

Both of my sisters and their children also came for the weekend. We did a little setup for the party on Friday and Saturday morning.

My brother-in-law had won a .45-automatic pistol in a raffle, so we decided to go find a shooting range, and squeeze off a few rounds before the big party. We drove around trying to find the Wood County range for about a half hour and finally found it. It was nice though, there wasn’t anyone else there and it was just an open public range.

I’d never fired a handgun before. I didn’t really grow up with guns so I’m not super comfortable with them. Both my brother-in-laws and I each shot through 3-13 round clips. I sucked my first two clips. I couldn’t hit shit when I was standing. My arms are too damn long to have the weight of a gun cantilevered out trying to shoot straight.

The third clip I got down into a crouching position and hit 11 out of 13 on a about an 8 inch diameter target at about 15 yards. That’s pretty good with a handgun considering how inaccurate they are at a distance. Even after that, I still don’t feel comfortable around guns. I don’t like having the power to kill something so easily in my hands. I did have fun though.

We went back home and I took a shower and a quick nap before the party started. It’s always weird when your parents are teachers and they have a party. All of their friends are my old junior high school teachers. It’s was probably weird for them too, since now I’m married with a six month old kid and have a bunch of tattoos.

I started to drink, since I volunteered to give a little presentation latter in the night. Three of my dad’s coworker friends were also giving little speeches and I was up after them. I’d put together a bunch of doctored photos of my dad in various funny situations. I Photoshopped him into the Beatles Abby Road photo on a moped, a This Old House Video cover, The Creation of Man painting, The moon landing, The John Holmes video cover for Wadd, and several others.

I was a bit nervous while the other guys were talking. I hadn’t eaten much, and all the beer I drank wasn’t really helping to settle my stomach. I thought all the pictures were hilarious, but you never know with a crowd with an average age of at least 40. It went really well. Everyone was cracking up as I went through the presentation and hit a few one-liners.

The crowning glory though was a picture I doctored that was a shot of a strip club. The camera was positioned looking through the stripper’s legs at three dudes sitting and grinning. I replaced the center guy’s head with my dads, and the other two guys heads with his good friends. Everyone was roaring with laughter.

Afterwards everyone told me how awesome the presentation was, and how funny it had been. It was good.

All in all it was a fun party and a good weekend. It was really depressing to go to work today. Trying to put the whole thing in perspective, imagining another 32 years of waking up and coming into work. Ah well, Carter better come up with some funny shit for me in 32 years.