Genetic Fear

I have an abnormal fear of death. Not really that I could die at any moment, just the simple fact that one day I will die. Maybe not right now, maybe not in 10 years, but some day it will happen. I will end.

I’ve tried to wrap my mind around the nothingness of that fact. Walmart has pretty much convinced me that nothing will happen to me after I die. It will be just like before I was born, nothing.

I’m comforted in some ways by having a more enlightened view of time, but I still panic at times. The pure adrenaline rush of the panic of wanting to flea, but there’s nowhere to go.

Turns out this fear is genetic. My mom feels the same way. She’s never conveyed it to me prior to a few months ago in any way. I would never have picked it up from her actions or conversations prior to the one where she told me about it.

Most of my tattoos in some way deal with death. My angel and phoenix, Act 5 scene 5, luck, the lament of Icarus, battle in the deep, and of course my chest. That was the lead in conversation of how I found out her fear.

I guess I shouldn’t really be surprised. We are all just the combined efforts of everyone we’ve ever know. The things you’re stuck with are from your parents though.